Witness
Today I have witnessed the breakdown of a human being. I now realize I am supposed to be a part of helping people put their lives back together, not seeing them fall apart. He made bad choices, and those choices led to deciept of a petty nature. Am I a fool to be sad for the man that has stolen from me? I never really look at any of it as mine anyway. He sobbed, and on the inside, I sobbed. I grieve for the person that he really is, and I greive for the person who I am. The person that I can never fully be where I am. Some would say I was crazy for not being angry, but I never really look at any of it as mine to begin with. Perhaps that appears to be disloyal. Who really cares what things “look like” or “appear to be”? Who the hell really cares. When its all said and done, we’re all human beings, and we all make mistakes. We all fuck up at times, don’t we? The most painful part was taking his paycheck. He signed it over as part of the restitution. A man, 52 years old has just lost his job and does not have a paycheck. The security person probably thought I was nuts–he said, “I thought you were going to cry.” I was, asshole. I was going to cry for him. That is who I am. I am compassion. I am forgiveness. Security was doing his job, and that’s who he is. I want to do my job. Can one make 50K a year and be compassion? Yeah, guess not. I’d have never kept his check. I’d have let him walk, completely walk. Am I a fool? I never really look at any of it as mine anyway. Perhaps it’s because I don’t want it to be mine. He was always so gruff–his voice, demeanor, mannerisms. He pleaded for his job. I would not budge on that, and while it was heart breaking to send him out into the world, he could not be here anymore. My heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for all of us who remain. We’re confused and frightened because he was a part of us, or at least we thought he was. It is so different when its someone who is at the very core of it. It makes me wonder, “who is for real?” God knows I’m not. I don’t steal things. I steal moments…of my life…doing work that is not who I am any longer. Perhaps we’re all just pretending.
